Second-Gen succumbs to Anxiety

Watching the drama unfold through on the little screen sometimes generates as much anxiety as my own melodrama. I try not to see myself in everything that happens around me but inevitably, I am looking for ways to relate my experience to that of someone else's. Like their outcome could possibly provide me with a prediction of my own. There was a time when I left media in order to cure the anxiety that it generates and this evening, I question if that time is approaching again.

In the stories of prime-time television we see love lost and recommence over and over again. Tonight's episode of L-word had me looking at all the dynamics of lesbian relationships (and straight relationships) that have me shaking my head in repitition like Shane to Carmen's accusations and insecurity. Sometimes I feel like that shaking could just go on and on. Just when a sense of security seems to emerge within me, I recoil, speculate, stand outside of myself and examine the dynamics of the relationships I keep, both casual and intimate. Too much introspection can make anyone question everything they are doing.

At a late night birthday party last night, a deck of Tarot complete with a reader (of over fifteen years) emerged. I asked her a simple question, knowing that her knowledge of the cards in the presence of many friends might make matters complicated if I asked something too specific. "What will summer bring?" Seems like a broad enough questions. From the deck, I picked the card that I felt best represented me. It was some card depicting the ends of arrows. This card representative of the many racing thoughts that consume me. "Full of speed and desire and passion" she said. I began to feel all my internalized and compressed issues unfold before the party.

In the future she says there will be justice and I am certain it will be served against me although she didn't predict it that way. Eventually a sense of calm will emerge, an ability to take into consideration where I come from, what has happened recently and what is currently going on. She mentioned that the defensive position that I am taking with all these things that seem to be surrounding and confronting me, may be ineffective. That coming into the power that I have is the only way to achieve the calm that is certain to come.

In this life at this time, there is so much to consider. Where I come from and how it is being recreated in my current life. What I am doing and how that will affect my future. Who I am involving myself with and how that will either nurture or cripple me. What I have done in my past, recent past and the present; and how life eventually evens the score in one way or another.

Somedays I feel I am truly at the mercy of the universe and other days I can feel that I still have the power within me. Tonight, I will return to the little screen where love is lost and recommenced, still looking for indications of direction in fictitious relationships, knowing that the only answer comes from waiting for the universe to provide the answers or taking the reins myself and driving the chariot back home to save myself.