Presence and the illusion of time...

Blather is what it's been called. The incessant rattling of thoughts that walk with me in a day. The voice that rarely takes reprieve during my journey. I'm a pensive fuck, it's true - contemplating the past and the future all at once - knowing that a part of me thrives that internal dialogs and neglects the now. Maybe it's requrged spiritual blather. I am 211 pages deep in A New Earth (by Eckhart Tolle); me and half a million other soccer moms, housewives, and stay-at-home dads across the US (thanks Oprah). It's a good read. Illuminates some things I already know in my core - what you give, you receive, ego thrives ..Time is an illusion, etc., etc. Thankfully, the content of the read has me at peace but also in a state of contemplation and careful consideration of how I live each day and what is in my life at this very moment. I am trying to keep my head out of the future, which is difficult, and out of the past, which is very easy. But my body keeps doing these strange emotional convulsions, in moments where I feel at complete peace. Its not a medical condition, no, it's as if my mind is working on something and I am not paying attention to it, but my body is responding. I just can't seem to put my mind on what is actually happening inside me.

I usually am in motion when it occurs. Public buses, walks, trains, even roller skates. I've been looking around a lot lately - taking inventory of what brings me happiness, you know, ridiculously cliche' things such as budding flowers, babies (the uncrying kind), sunny days, strangers laughing and smiling, and kind gestures. Then all the sudden I feel my diaphragm start to twitch, my eyes start welling up and I want to just start crying, or rather, sobbing wherever I am. But I don't. I mean, how weird is it to be riding a the public bus in the morning, sitting next to someone who seems perfectly composed one moment then all the sudden they start bawling?

No. I'm not pregnant damn it.
No. It's not that time of the month either.
C'mon now.

I really want to indulge and let this emotion come spewing out, but it just doesn't happen at home or at 'appropriate' time or place. It happens when I am at work or on the way to school or running errands or walking around campus between classes. So what do I do? Close my eyes, focus on the biology thats working its way through my body, holding my breath is key then slowly allowing myself to breathe methodically until it passes. And you know, it often comes up again in just a few moments.

I feel like a teapot. (Don't start singing I'm a little teapot just yet). I am completely unaware of what this liquid content inside me is - yet its boiling to escape and apparently, I am completely unaware that the burner is on so, when that emotional liquid starts to burp up through its only escape route I quickly allow some air in to calm it back down - then take it off the burner.

So this may come across as completely self-centered and I want you to know in advance that I am aware of it and attempting to make sense out of it. I feel as if this has been a year of listening. I am inpatient by nature - and it is something I am working on so when the people I care about need a sounding board for anything, I try really hard to shut my damn mouth, be present and listen. Not interject, stay aware if I redirect the conversation to my own experience, remain nonjudgmental and let my loves take their own path - not offer suggestions. I think I am pretty good at this. But in the interim of my listening year, I feel as if I have not had attempt to get to know whats going on in my core. Maybe thats my ego seeking attention - or maybe its a deeper need to connect with someone on a soulful level. The problem with this statement is that I am close with many people who I have soulful connections with but it feels as if everyone is in such transition at this moment in time, that no one has the capacity to mentally and emotionally explore the depth of another because, well, their own teapot is full and spouting.

And this motion that is causing me so much emotion? I think part of it is evident. I am in a process of evolution, relocation, and reacquaintance. There is a lot at stake right now - for a lot of people in my life for whom I care deeply, including myself. Time, that illusionary essence, seems to be nagging at me. "I'm running out!" it screams at me, every moment I spend trying to stabilize something (finances for example) outside of my soulful relationships. I know time and distance cannot dissolve those relationships - but I am fearful of my relocation to Idaho. Terrified that I cannot be myself there, that I will be 'closeted' for fear of my safety, that I will not have community, that i will experience isolation for a prolonged period. And I know myself well enough to know that I will make friends, build community and get over the sad period of feeling isolated. I know that.

That bubbling emotion that comes up seems to be a lack of outlet for a lot of things that are happening in my life right now and on my mind. This isn't a plea for someone to come running with an open ear to my rescue, but a regurged means of putting my feelings to words - in an attempt to make sense of it. That is exactly what those deep conversations that I am lacking, help accomplish. Its an opportunity to make sense of it all through the use of words.And you know me and my words...