What about "The Booty Call"

The origination of the term "Booty Call" comes from the early 90's comedian, Bill Bellamy. A long gone washed up old fool. But oh, the terminology has stuck around (even if it dates you) and so I offer up my examination of "The Booty Call" and ask that you consider a response.

First, a snippet from Wiki, just to enlighten ya'll a bit as to the unofficial definition of the terminology offered up in the title of this blog. A booty call is "communication, or visitation made with the sole intent of engaging in sex..." Well duh, now that we've settled that, just a bit more:" In most instances, a booty call is made when the prospect of a traditional date is highly unlikely (e.g., late evening, after midnight or pre-dawn), thus making it obvious what the intent of the call is for. That being, mutual satisfaction outside a traditional relationship (with all its complexities and commitments)."

Ah. Perfect. That latter poignantly exemplifies the niceties of the "call and ask" for the "ass and dash". I know, that's not very lady like of me, but who ever said I was lady like. I mean, I'm from Milwaukie...

So the question has been rolled through many mouths since I came out way back in like 2003 (sure, way back) and the question remains: Do booty calls exist in the lesbian community? Can women or do women engage in sex without getting the slightest obsessive about the prospect of a blooming relationship? Can ladies partake in booty calls with one another without feeling the commitment hooks of fake porno nails pulling at their panties? Ew... I'm getting more crass by the moment. (We all know that those porno nails aren't very nice anyway so the analogy is quite fitting.)

Now, I'm no gold star lesbian. No, sorry if that is disappointing, but kudos (I think) to all of you who are. And for one long term of my straight single life, I engaged in a booty call 'situation' that lasted damn near five years, even traversing the I-5 corridor when I resided in Seattle. It was consistent, safe, reliable, included no adding of hash marks to the headboard, no confused emotions, very straight (in sexuality and in communication) forward.

What was so wonderful about this arrangement? The attraction and the uncommitted commitment. Yes, there is a kind of commitment to a booty call situation and that commitment is to talk about some things and not talk about others (discernable by the parties involved). Here's an example of how mine usually went down...

"Hey, are you going to be in town tonight?"
"Why, do you want to hook up for a bit?"
"Yeah, do you have some time?"
[Two second time negotiation here]
"Great, I'll see you then."

And this is how the lovin' ensues. Its evening, one of us drops in on the other, it happens and then we allow for sometime to chat and stay warm (also known as cuddling) and then, see ya, have a great night. On rare occasion, sleep overs, and on rarer occasions, last chance ass when the party is nearly over. You know, when all that hitting on others doesn't work out and you realize your trusty reliable booty call has experienced the same shafting (ew... horrible phallic reference). You see, you get on with the evening and everyone rests soundly. Is that so awful?

And although I have been in back to back relationships since I came out in 2003, I have yet to see or hear of this 'unicorn' (you know, imaginary, fictitious, fantasy) in the lesbian community. I've heard of nothing like this. The sexist remark would be that "women are more emotional than men and therefore can't engage in sex without emotional involvement" but I call bullshit because, well, I am a woman and have done so.

Don't jump to calling me slutty, I'm just sayin'...
And this isn't a rant to try and negotiate a booty call with anyone, so don't run too far with it or pass it off like a baton to another source, thank you very much. And I'm not looking for anyone to offer it up. I don't think.

I just want to know. Lady lovin' ladies: Does it happen? Can it happen? Has it happened? Would you do it? Would you not? Why? What are the expectations? Are there rules? Is there an application process?

Maybe in our community the technical term is called "polyamory". But seriously, I've had only one straight on-going booty call in my life and have not considered myself polyamorous, even if I was dating other people. I mean, who said anything about having amorous feelings about more than one person. There was usually one person for whom I had amorous feelings and my booty call, well. I liked my booty call and all, but not enough to say hey, lets get into a little more than this. And I think, he would've agreed.

So please, chime in. Had em'? Want em'? Confused? All ya'll that are reading be you hetero, homo, bi, gay, les, queer, poly. Christ, I don't care what you identify as, just tell me what you think about the good old fashioned (about 27 years old now) term of endearment that's enjoyable to theorize about: the booty call.

Boxes

I'd been sitting at the reception desk for 4-hours. It was my second year at Portland Community College. It was fall, gray, the rain was coming down at a slant and puddles were forming in the grassy area outside. My jeans were soaked up past my ankles from dragging under my feet all day. A student approached the desk with an application in hand and a braced-face. I brainlessly looked over the application, scanning with a pen in hand, for empty or unchecked boxes.
"Ah!" I said without even looking up, "You forgot to mark your sex." I started for the male box when the person across the counter stopped me.
"Yeah, I meant to do that."
"Shit." I may have said either in my head or out loud. "I'm sorry. I should have known better."

Yeah I should have. I worked in the Women's Resource Center my entire time in the institution and had been called out by my peers on assuming gender, orientation, blah, blah, blah, and the list goes on. I should have known. But I went for it automatically, brainlessly. I put someone into a box they didn't want to be in. But the brain, any one's brain, automatically categorizes everything in order to make sense of the world. Every time someone crosses my path, I categorize. "White, male, upper-class, educated, large-frame, Republican (even if my categories are completely incorrect). Every time I cross another's path, categorized. White, femme, straight, middle-class, uneducated, naive. I try to be conscious of this, recognize it and not be assumptive, but how do we navigate this world otherwise.
We box ourselves in. Throughout my life, I can find the turning points of my identity. I was straight, I was queer, I was lesbian, and at one point I identified as second-gen, very admittedly. But during all phases, I always questioned the concreteness of identity. I slept with a woman when I was "straight". I dreamed of men when I was lesbian. I never really settled on the identity queer (although it's the most open identity available to me) and when I identified as second-gen, my mother was no longer a lesbian. None of those boxes feel secure to me and yes, I've considered the bi-sexual box as well but can't seem to bring myself to hang onto it. Even more confusing is where I stand today. Single, after dating women for five years, I still feel my appearance is too femme to be identified by other ladies as available (and safe, since dating a straight looking girl is dangerous). Maybe I'm too kicked-back and tom-boyish to date men (it takes a special man anyway).
Today, I may not identify as I did yesterday. My one chosen box is woman. No, I am not going to drop the 'man' portion out of woman either. I appreciate that part of my identity is adapted from the root word man. Don't get me wrong, I am a feminist of my own designation. I understand the issue with "history" and I understand the argument against 'woman', I just don't care. Also, I am agnostic. Another box I like to hang onto. But even in stating that I am agnostic indicates my uncertainty in a whole different department of my designated identity.
I get it. Boxes are secure and safe for some folks but boxes don't entirely fit me. I had this argument with my former partner. When I told her I identified more with queer than lesbian, she seemed a little unnerved. "But your in a monogamous relationship with a lesbian."
I said, "Then I am in a lesbian relationship but that doesn't mean I am lesbian."
"Well yeah, it kind of does."
"I guess." Internally I was saying 'for now', which isn't to say that the I didn't believe the relationship would last just that I didn't know what the future would hold and that is the nature of my problem with boxes. How long do they last?
For me, a box means your in it for good, i just can't allow myself to be put in some boxes forever. Even now, my former partner wouldn't be certain of the 'female' box she once put herself in, which would also put her 'lesbian' box in jeopardy. I know plenty of lesbians that sleep with men and still identify as lesbian and I guess that's the reality of identity. It's yours. No one else can designate your identity for you. Sure, they can categorize you as you pass them on the street. Even you close family and friends have boxes for you, and you them. The reality is, we don't ever have to stay in the box or follow the rules of living in the box. In fact, I commend fucking with all the assumed characteristics of boxes, chosen or not.

I often use the story of the application when discussing issues of gender and identity because it was a pivotal moment in my growth and thankfully, the person on the other end of the counter was generous and brave enough to seize the moment and call me out.
I left it blank but after the student left my desk, I walked over to the lead administrator and asked her, "Is it o.k. if they leave their sex blank?"
She looked at me softly and said, "They don't have to denote their race, sex, or age."
Of course, I thought to myself, nodded and headed back to my desk.

Scheduling Pain.

I spent three hours at Atlas Tattoo with Jen Billig finishing up a piece that has taken nearly two 1/2 years for me to complete. The actual piece is only about 10 hours total and worth about a down payment on a new car. I'm not saying this is the best expenditure to budget in but it's finished and now wisteria wraps around one shoulder and crawls across to wrap around the other. And I couldn't be happier the process is over.

Prior tattoos have been done on a whim and not so much as scheduled for completion. I can't say that I am a fan of scheduling tattoo appointments because the reality is, some days you just don't feel like you can bare any pain. Some days you can tough it out. Certainly, the older I get the more painful they are. These days, I am less concerned with being tough as not having to be tough if I don't want to. So when the tattooing process gets to hurting, I have a hard time not squirming.

Tattoo was one of my younger sisters first words. My mother has several: 4 pieces of flash art in random places on her body. She told me to never get tattoos in places that you couldn't hide them. I think this is great advice. Mine are all on my torso. My stepfather has tattoos all over his arms and torso as well. My other mother had tattoos all over her body from Jesus Christ on her forearm to the jumping dolphin on her calf. I have tried to maintain an organic theme in all of my adult work. But there is that god forsaken yin-yang sun looking business on my ankle that I don't regret, but certainly it isn't as pretty as the rest.

My intuition tells me that tattooing isn't as popular in other parts of the US. Particularly because I caused an accident in Kansas City, MO in 2001 when someone was rubbernecking at my lower back tattoo. At this point, I would like to disqualify it as a "tramp stamp" strictly due to its size. Tramp stamps, in my opinion are much smaller and typically tribal. I'm not a fan of the lower back tattoo, not even mine. SNL had a great skit one evening about the lower back tattoo eraser. I might add, I am also not particularly a fan of the term "tramp stamp".

So, some tips of advice and things to consider when scheduling an appointment to get tattooed.

1) Under no circumstances go out to drink excessively the night before. Not only does is SUCK to get a tattoo with any inkling of a hangover, you end up bleeding all over your artist and that's just rude.

2) Under no circumstances get drunk when you got to get a tattoo. Anyone who lets you get a tattoo when you're wasted is a dip ship and probably not the best person to get a tattoo from.

3) If you're going to get a tattoo, spend a little money. Getting a cheap tattoo is getting a cheap tattoo. You're going to have to look at that cartoon Tasmanian devil for the rest of your life. Get an artist who can put a real Tasmanian devil on you instead.

4) Eat a nice hearty meal about an hour before you go in. This way your not too bloated and you're not starving. Getting work done on an empty stomach is asinine.

5)Finally, don't just go to some joe-schmoe shop. Ask around, talk to people. Find out what style you like and find an artist whose work you admire. There are an abundance here in Portland and anybody at Atlas Tattoo is a good bet. I will also put in a good word for Matt, owner of Tiger Lily Tattoo.

6) Tattooing is pretty well regulated these days but if your tattooer doesn't pull needles fresh out of a new, sealed pack - I would think twice or get up and walk out.

And there is so much more. But enough for now. Happy tattooing.